it was a girl, many years back. we lived next door to a nice family (actually had just moved next door to them at the time), and lo and behold the daughter was hot. like, ‘why-oh-why does she torture me by swimming alone in her pool all sexy-like’ kind of hot. well, maybe just cute, with a nice dash of hot, what do i know, right? but anyways, it was her idea, and of course i went along thinking... well who are we kidding, guys don’t think in that situation. thing was, they were mormon, and i guess the thing with them is that if they stand still for like 10 seconds or more god will strike them dead and they go straight to hell without passing go or collecting $200, so they are always doing something, i swear. i seriously don’t know if these people slept, but i know for a fact their dog did not sleep, because my window faced the side of their house on which said k9 resided.

so in the midst of remaining a moving target for god, they made plans to go to a taping of this travesty, hosted by magic johnson. only thing was, when she invited me, i thought it was a special invitation, not an invitation to join the occult, and when i went to go with them there were like 40 other people that were going (she was good). so we looked at each other with confused expressions, and then crammed ourselves into a vanpool-thing to trek to hollywood.

and we went. and we saw. and we faked a laugh when they held up signs to do so. and we left. late & hungry, we trodded to some nameless burger joint that i can’t remember for sure, but it sucked is what sticks out in my mind. oh yeah, and the whole freaking lectured by a homeless transexual bit, can’t forget that. so as we’re ordering – from the drive-thru, mind you – some guy comes out of nowhere and walks up to the driver’s window. we’re all thinking ‘oh great, no we don’t have cash for you, go away’ and prepping a response. and of course he comes over to ask if we have some spare cash for foo – wait wait wait, did he just say “sex change?” oh my god, what? no freaking way! and sure enough, he says it again, like ‘cuz i’d sho’ appreciate it if you could help me get this here operation.” and we’re thinking “oh great, no we don’t have cash for you, go away!!!!” but in bold this time and with lots of !!!!, as we’re just a little wierded out by this, yet all we could muster up is “uh, no, uh-uh,” and he leaves, very upset.

so we giggle over it and eventually get back to thinking about how much these sucky burgers are going to taste at like 11pm and we haven’t eaten since lunch, and as we get closer to the pickup window, he storms back and begins his lecture. apparently, unbeknownst to us, we were bad people, because who the hell were we to deny him the cash he needed to get this operation done just so we could eat! so this continued for a minute or so, and we were sitting there stunned into silence. i mean, it’s one thing to have the question asked, but... to have him return and lecture us on our bad ways? this was new, and i’m not sure how many people really get this sort of ‘treat’ in their lives.

i’m not sure if he was expecting a response, but he wasn’t getting any from us. we just didn’t have anything to say, as our minds were too preoccupied with the thought of this old, scruffy black man with boobs and lipstick, methinks. but who am i to judge? no one. apparently, you need to be a disgruntled shemale short on sex-change cash to have that sort of honor.

enjoy that mental image.

peace.