...to all you jews out there. Let’s all celebrate the day our Lord Jim was born. Whom you promptly killed. Bastards.


Happy Freakin’ Hanukkah
...to all you christians out there, who falsely believe that Jim was the incarnation of our Lord God. Whiners.


Merry Freakin’ Kwanzaa
…to all you white folk out there, who don’t recognize that baby Jesus was a black man from the Bronx, and that BET is actually a quality, premium channel, filled with clever programming and informative skits. Crackers.


Feliz Freakin’ Navidad
...to all you “native” North Americans. We tell you it means “Happy Christmas,” but it really means “I can’t WAIT to drive at least 15mph under the speed limit in the fast lane, and crowd your support system with my non-tax-paying-ass & the 35 children I'm going to have.” Gringos. Aye aye aye, ARRIBA ARRIBA!



Holiday Shopping misses the mark
According to reports like these, we’re all bastards for not spending enough. What ever you say…. First off, it’s a report based off of predicted spending patterns, not anything realistic, say like last year’s spending and the economy of present-day.

Second off, GOOD! I look forward to this time of year being more about togetherness and good meals than commercialization, anyhow. Sh*t, anymore we could just say “merry shopping” and no one would notice the difference. Or “Merry ‘Pad the wallets of the already super-rich even more!’” and I don’t think one soul would blink an eye.

Keep your money. Wanna give me something? How about a pound of bacon? Look, I’m just going to store that freaking ugly-ass figurine in the garage for a few years anyways, until I come across it in a cleaning spree and wonder how the hell I ended up with a scale version of a dolphin jumping over an elephant in the snow, and throw it away.

Besides, if we all just used this time of year to remind other people that we’re thinking of them, not that we feel obligated to spend money on them, we’d all have more $$ to use towards being together in the first place.

Not that I want to hang out with you, but you get what I’m saying.



Attack of the Stupids
So Saturday I worked. I brought in a movie to watch (It’s a Wonderful Sex Life, starring Ivana Hummp A’Lot & Peter North), and figured we’d all sit around and watch a movie while the phones just stared back blankly at us.

Boy was I wrong. Apparently on December 23rd, while most normal people are either doing last-minute shopping or preparing food for other normal people whom are scheduled to arrive the following day, stupid people come out of the woodworks and decide that today would be a great day to call around for car parts.

Now by this, I don’t mean to imply that a lot of people called in to order car parts. I mean to imply that a lot of stupid people called in to ask questions about car parts and then wonder if we’ll be open on Monday (that’s, um, Christmas, by the way) or ask why the heck we won’t be able to ship anything out until Tuesday (the, uh, day after Christmas). I can’t begin to explain the amount of stupid questions or even recall the exact questions themselves. Suffice to say that they were too many to recall and far too many to keep count.

Which prompted me to change my screensaver at work, a scrolling marquee, to read: “Stupid People Should Not Breed.” More than just a suggestion, it's my new slogan.



It’s not a Christmas Present, I swear; it’s just impeccable timing
Today happens to be the 75th posting for me. That, as you may recall, was the self-imposed deadline to have actual meaningful daily titles for my blogs.

Screw Christmas – It was all about my blog! :-)

Peace.

And Love to all.