the mornings were rough at first, without any weather forecast. i learned to cope, though, by layering my loincloths, so that i could take off the appropriate amount of garments throughout the day. life without high-speed internet. i’m learning it goes on, albeit a little slower. i’ve recently taught myself to sew. the pelts i have collected from my many hunting victories have piled high, and i needed to do something with them! i’ve now constructed a two-story tent out of rabbit skin and buffalo. the buffalo are rare in southern california, which i think speaks highly of my hunting skills.

during my stay in this wilderness, this – “wild” – land, if you will, i came to befriend a local tribe of indigenous monkeys, the elegant dirt monkeys of southern california. these are a very quiet species, but nonetheless a very sociable and generous collection of beasts. at first, they were hesitant to accept my presence within their boundaries. slowly over time, I have gained their trust, and now i am able to sit within their ranks and eat with them. booboo, the dominant male, has even been brave enough to teach me how to eat and hunt insects using rudimentary tools. i often find myself so caught up in the moments of the day watching the little dirt monkeys frolic that i often stay far longer than i should before retreating to my humble lair! watching them throw fecal matter at one another is so darned cute!

but then just the other day, i realized it would be nice if i could access my ol’ friend ‘the internet’ through my trusty sidearm, ‘high-speed dsl,’ to look up information on discolored excrement and rashy anuses. not that i suffer from that, you know, but just if someone happened to be curious about it, is all. and there i was, hairy and full of wondrous odor from my time away from civilization, reminiscing about surfing and navigating a superhighway.... so i chanced the treacherous way of my current dsl connection, and to my dismay, it was still dial-up slow. the letdown was a monstrous one; one that affected not only me, but booboo and his clan also felt the impact. the look of despair on their faces was more than i could handle; i had to take action!

i called sonic today, my internet service provider. after being ‘disconnected’ at least twice, then put on hold for over 15 minutes, they informed me that it’s a known issue that is being worked on, though no date for the future could be set for it’s repair.

so i dumped ‘em. dumped ‘em like a an ugly girl at prom, i tell you. didn’t hesitate, told them right then and there that this is fucking retarded, i had great speeds two weeks ago with at&t, what the hell is wrong with them that they can’t get it going on the same line, dammit!

so now i’m all clean and good-smelling again, and am going to have to brave the call to at&t for service again... i hope they don’t make me say i’m sorry or anything. because i will if i have to. and i just don’t want to. i mean, hey, it’s great that you guys can answer the phone fast when you’re not busy hanging up on me, and sound friendly when i finally talk to someone, but seeing as how it’s internet service i’m paying for? y’all gotta get that one right before we talk about marriage, you know? damn!

moral of the story? i think internet is like crack for smart people.... which may mean i was implying that stupid people, monkeys, and those without high-speed internet are all one in the same. eh, whatever.

peace.

Tags: Technology