Give him a tie.

Oh. My. God. I hate ties. I funking hate them. I hate them I hate them I hate them I funking hate them. You have to understand that I never wear ties. Er, well, I never used to wear them. But I think it’s kind of a requirement at a place like Walgreens, where I start today. So while at Target yesterday, I picked up a tie that goes with like every shirt I own, figuring that I’ll wear it in tomorrow, and if I do indeed need a tie for every day of the week, I’m covered for a few days, until I decide to make it back to pick up some more of them.

So yeah. I get home, and I realized that – by golly – I’m going to have to learn how to tie one of them darn tie things. Off to the internet. A mere few moments later, and google has presented me with pages upon pages of sites that say they’re dedicated to teaching me to tie a tie. Oh joy, right?

Oh. My. Funking. GOD.

They lied. Here’s the deal. They all used the same instructions! And I was fine! Up until step 4. Step 4! I was almost there, but they they did this “Go over the loop and then up and under the loop you created with the inside facing out while standing on your right foot ONLY while facing east,” and I couldn't follow. I seriously think it’s a big internet hoax, I swear to f-ing god. not one of these sites actually want you to learn to tie a tie. They're laughing at me. They're laughing at everyone.

I was doing this shirtless (as that’s how I spend most of my time @ home), and I resorted to putting on a collared shirt, thinking maybe I needed the reference point. No dice. In front of a mirror? No dice. I spent the better part of an hour being more frustrated than I care to fully share. I shooed my dog out of the room, because I didn’t want him to see me getting that upset; didn’t want him thinking he was in trouble, or that I just randomly decide to occasionally flip the funk out. Because – believe me – I flipped the hell out. I could just feel the rage in me grow, thinking about the people I was gonna hang with my new silk f-ing noose. I felt like Mussolini with Cramps or something.

But yeah. Ties. Not so much love, me and them. I I finally did find a website that had a decent enough diagram that I could figure it out on my own. The knot still sucks, but I’m hoping my dashing good looks will draw attention away from the shoddy neck tie. Hey, I can dream, OK?

So, yeah. If you want to know why Sicilians are always so upset, and why they invented cement shoes though they live next to an ocean, this is why. They wanted to get rid of the man who invented ties. Fuhgeddaboudit.

Peace.

Tags: Animals, hate