I don’t like kids. Sorry, but they don’t do anything for me. I’m not filled with this great sense of joy and desire when around them, I don’t want to pick up every child I see and hold it and take it home; I don’t really yearn for one of my own.

Ah, Halloween. ‘Twas some fun, I suppose, when I went out and did it myself. But mind you, I didn’t hate kids when I was a little boy. Well, not all of them, anyways. The family wanted me to handle the kids this wonderful night. ME! I know, I was shocked, too! I was like, “look, you are the ones who love kids. I hate them. You love kids so much, go make them happy yourself.” Now this was the statement of an asshole, I’ll admit. But saying that I didn’t want to wasn’t enough, I swear. And it’s a perfectly honest answer, in reality.

And I don’t think I’m an asshole for it. For some reason, my mother seems to think (she told me so, so there’s no guesswork on my part) that I’m a jerk for not liking kids, and why can’t I just let them have some fun?!?! Hey, I'm not standing in their way or yours, have at it. I’m sorry, but I can’t stand there and pretend to be excited or scared or surprised or whatever, I just don’t have it in me. So in fact, I”m doing more for their “fun” by not getting involved, trust me. If I’m at the door? “Eh… Here’s some candy. Now leave.” If you’re at the door? “OH MY, WHAT A NICE COSTUME! I’M SO SCARED!!! OOOOOHHHH!!! WOW, WHO IS THAT UNDER THERE!?!” And really, that’s what the kids want, and I’m more than willing to allow them to have it.

But apparently I’m still an asshole. Wake me up when it’s OK to have a legitimate opinion with reasonable support.



Can’t win for losing
Apparently, tonight is “random bob's either wrong or an asshole, or quite possibly both” night. After hearing my mother bitch for the ump-teenth time that it took sooo long to get home in traffic, I chimed in that I’ll be moving up north in a handful of months, where there is no traffic. Now, I say this not to initiate conflict, you have to understand that I’ve been trying to convince them that they’d be happier up near where we’re going, and I COMPLETELY AGREE with her assessment of the So Cal Traffic Phenomenon. So it’s more of a statement that “you’d love it up north, where we’re going!” than it is a“HAHA you suck” statement.

However, according to my sister, there’s lots of traffic up north. There was last time she went to Tulare, CA. Oh, really? Is Tulare in Eureka? No. Is Eureka on the WAY to Tulare? No. Oh, but wait, you’ve been almost all the way up to the california border once, you say? ON the I-5, more than 350 Miles East of Eureka? That’s nice, but you’ve never even seen the 101 north of LA which runs the coast and goes through Eureka, so really? Don’t speak about which you do not know.

Having been there far longer than anyone else in my family, you’d think that little fact would carry more weight when I say “there’s no traffic up north where I’m moving.” Apparently not. I mean, I’ve only stayed up there, gotten up during “Rush Hour” to see what traffic patterns are like, and lived there for the better part of three weeks to try and get a feel for such things as I might experience up there as a regular, living/working person.

But whatever, what do I know, right? Some day, seriously, they’re all going to have to sit down, pour on some sauce, and eat their words, I swear. Because I’m vindictive and I’ll demand an apology for all the badgering from the know-nots. Yes, it’s true, even if I hate to admit it, but really it seems like my family is very much out to get me sometimes. I can’t be right even if I have the facts, dammit. Just the facts, ma’am, that’s all I have in my defense.

Look, I don’t proclaim to know everything about everything, but when I’ve actually BEEN there and seen it? and you don’t even know where it is on the map? Give me a break, OK? that’s all I’m asking. I didn’t proclaim anything about Tulare, because you’d know better than me. See how that works?



Owie.
My Finger hurts :-(. I got a papercut right underneath the nail. Like, right underneath the nail. Feel my pain.



Dumb Southerner of the Day
“So, XYZ makes more horsepower, but it’s more expensive and requires more tuning, while ABC makes less horsepower but is cheaper and requires less tuning.”

“So which do you recommend?”

Look, if I give you two options, which are inherently different and contain their own pros and cons… Obviously, the decision is yours to make. I’ve given you all the info so you can decide what’s best for you. Really, asking me which I recommend? The expensive one, duh. I’m a salesman you ass. The real answer is: whichever has the pros you desire most. That’s why I gave them to you.

I mean, if I said “well, they’re both pretty similar, it’s a toss-up,” I could understand that response. but did you listen to what I said? Probably not, huh. So much for trying to help.

Peace.

Tags: hate