So a few nights ago we went to the symphony. They did Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake (remember I had said that it was Mozart; I was wrong – that’s next month). It was very pretty.

I have lots of classical music in my collection. But nothing can really compare to the depth, the power of the live orchestra. It’s magical. The music is alive, you feel it and it’s a wonderful experience, it really is. Tonight was the first that I have ever been to see an orchestra live. I liked it. I liked it a lot. I – I think we may make this “Our Thing,” as it were. It’s just too bad that they’re off the charts after next month. I think the “season” opens up again in October. Nice. Hopefully in time for my birthday. Buy me a present, btw.



Dairy farming: Organic vs “Conventional”
I was reading some “Did You Know” facts about a local dairy co-op while on lunch @ work the other day. They were saying that 19 of their members were “conventional” dairy farmers and 24 were Organic. And it got me thinking. It’s a simple question, and it’s a simple answer.

What is “Conventional?” And what is “Organic?” Conventional is by definition what is done ‘normally.’ Organic is taken to mean that the product is raised/groomed/created without the use of synthetic chemicals. Up until sometime around the middle of the last century, there were not many synthetic chemicals to bother mentioning. And it seemed to me, isn’t ‘Organic’ actually ‘Conventional?’

I mean, that’s the way it’s typically done, in nature for sure, and also around most of the globe and throughout history. Conventional is Organic. At least it should be. I am not sure why it’s perverted now, though.

They should rename ‘Conventional’ to more accurately describe what it is: “Hormone- & Unnatural Antibiotic-infested farming.” Or they could just shorten it to “Unnatural Farming.” I’d be OK with that too.

Seriously though, think about that next time you hear the word ‘Conventional.’ It sounds very low-key, very tame, something that you could take for granted. But really think about what it’s being applied to. It seems to me that just like “No Child Left Behind” was a victory of title over substance, they are using language to quell any fears that what they’re really doing might arouse. No one wants to buy milk that comes from “Hormone- & Unnatural Antibiotic-infested farming,” or even “Unnatural Farming.” But hey, Milk from “Conventional” farming methods? That doesn’t sound so bad!

Yeah. I’m all-organic, baby. And proud. And healthy. Thanks, I’ll pass on the “Conventional.”

Peace.

Tags: Politics, earth conditions

Yeah it’s true, random bob & The Girl are gettin’ cultured and sh!t! Ain’t that the damnedest!

We’ve actually been planning it awhile now. Well not really. Kinda. Kinda-sorta. Anyway. See what it was is that we love the idea of going to these types of concerts (Mozart’s on tap tonight). We’ve never actually been though. But there’s a really nice theatre in town and we wanted to make time for it at some point, so we put into our calendar some events they had in their calendar. Just so happens that last week it became apparent that this event and our schedules collided; we had the time & the opportunity, so we pulled the trigger and bought us some tickets.

Mozart better be damn good after all this trouble! Ha. Hey I know he’s good it was just a joke, c’mon. I have tons of Mozart in my iTunes library. Yeah. Culture, see?



Retraining myself
Nothing special or important. I’ve been a heavy mouse user even since the day I opted for laptop over desktop. Today I decided that it’s really not that more convenient. I’m trying to retrain myself to use the trackpad instead.

So far it’s going OK. Not great, just OK. And I’m not sure how much of that is due to the fact that in the back of my mind, I know the mouse is only a hand’s grab away.



Random bob gets published online (somewhere else)
I recently had an issue with a certain credit card company. Armed Forces Bank, this one’s for you!

You see, I started my credit history with them. But they make it so difficult to get a better limit or rate that I just never bothered, I mean hell I have like 10 credit cards, so what’s the point? I just stopped using theirs for the most part, breaking it out occasionally so that it would still be valid and have a history. Well I left a small credit balance on there for some months without thinking much of it. Then I used the card after a long hiatus. Well come to find out what I owed didn’t match my books! Turns out they had “written off” my credit balance.

So basically, I left them in charge of a few cents of mine, and then they stole it from me. This didn’t seem right, and when I called they essentially said they would not help me unless I paid $3 a month for all the months backwards of the last 3 for research costs. Nice. Well they stole my money, then tried to get me to pay more money to have them tell me they stole my money, and I cancelled. And then sent a line to The Consumerist. You may have heard of them before, I have a link on the side of the page there and I think most everyone ought to read it daily.

Well, wouldn’t you know it? They eventually ran with my story. Turns out AFB isn’t the only ones doing it, as another gent got the same treatment from Wachovia.

So uh, yeah. Check your statements closely. Apparently rolling in money won’t stop your banks from stealing your pocket-change.

Peace.

Tags: Entertainment

Last night I was told as I took shift that we could probably expect a visit from our Corporate Internal Theft/ Loss Prevention division. Well this makes the night a little harder than usual, because now we have to dot all our I’s and cross all our T’s, but then we also have to go and initial that we did that & get verification that we did indeed dot & cross and initial those I’s and T’s.

And it struck me: the business model is flawed. We don’t do on a daily basis what the Loss Prevention department would have us do. We can’t. If we followed all those directives, we’d not get anything done that is needed to get done to move product out and get the store shoppable. We just can’t, it takes too much time to be so tight-fisted on every front. Obviously the simple answer to all of that is “schedule more people,” and I agree, except that we’re also on hour budgets, so we can’t. If we schedule more people, we go over-budget on man-hours, and we get raked over the coals for that. And that’s when I realized that there’s this disconnect between the people designing the directives and the ones carrying them out. They’re not carried out is the trick, because it’s simply not possible to complete the overall mission and actually follow all the conflicting directions. No one ever tells the higher-ups how it really works, because they don’t want to be hung out to dry. Because honestly, if one store steps out when no others complain? Then it seems they’re mismanaged, because no one else complained, so they get reprimanded, which stands as a good testament to the other stores as to why they shouldn’t mention it.

So the Loss Prevention Department works to restrict sales and efficiency. And the Sales and Marketing department works to grow sales and efficiency. They collide. Fun ensues.



Pomp & Circumstance
I also thought, however, that it might be a necessity. As in, perhaps they do indeed know that their directives step all over one another. In a perfect world, maybe it would all be possible to do. However, I thought that perhaps the district personnel know that it’s an utter impossibility to toe the line and still meet sales objectives. Perhaps they know it’s all a show when they’re in town….

What I was thinking was that, even though we can’t follow the rules as strictly as they’re set, maybe it’s like aiming for the moon. Sure you’ll never get it, but by setting the goal at that level, you are more likely to stay in a “middle ground” that is acceptable. I mean, I thought to myself, why don’t they relax the rules and let us do our jobs? But then I thought, if they did relax the rules, probably a great many stores would not be as close to the standard as they now are; lowering the standards typically lowers performance, even if you’re simply lowering the standard to the current, sustainable level of performance. See “No Child Left Behind” for the point.

Maybe? Maybe that’s what it is? Maybe it is all show & go… They show up, we do the little dance so they know how important they are, and then they go…. And we get back to doing our jobs.

I think that may be it.

So last night I was closing @ work. But I wasn’t really closing, I was supposed to be “training” on the computer. But it turned into a busy night, and I got pulled/volunteered to help the real manager on duty to get everything caught up, so that we’d all get out on time or at least close to it.

Somewhere along the course of the night, it came up in conversation that some of the closing requirements seem sort of redundant and wasteful (of time at least), such as counting all the debit/credit receipts. Seems silly, because if we’re off according to what the computer has tallied, we then go into the computer and print the missing receipts… so it would seem rather redundant to make sure we have paper copies, when if the paper copies are off, we just print the transaction out of the history of the machine. Where it’s already stored. So uh, couldn’t we just not worry about the paper copy?

Anyway, I mentioned something along the lines of “once I’m the store manager…” at which point the other manager asked if I’d fire her if I was the store manager. Uhhh……

How do you answer this when the honest answer is “yes”?

Here’s how: you stutter, say something along the lines of “I’m not qualified to make that sort of assessment now,” and wait – no, hope – for some sort of timely interruption. That’s how.



Decór decisions
The place The Girl works at is a little, well, strangely decorated to say the least. It’s not modern, it’s not old-fashioned, it’s a mishmash of ideas that don’t really flow so well. I’m sitting at the place right now, looking around, wanting to smack a certain someone.

That certain someone is a local artist whose work is locally acclaimed. He’s like a god around these parts. And most definitely, the bastard is talented. I have seen some work from him that is very very good. But his taste… his taste is that of Picasso at his Cubist best.

F*ck Cubism. I’m sorry, it’s not good art. Whenever I look at it, I want to pull it off the wall and wipe a certain nether-region with it, then flush. It’s a crock. It’s not art. It’s bullsh!t. It’s Pablo Picasso selling his 3 year-old son’s work to someone for lots of money, and laughing. And more people buying crap like that thinking it’s “high art,” and him laughing at them. I can’t help but think that it’s all one big joke, and Pablo just laughed and laughed, sort of like the guy who faked the Sasquatch footprint, let it build into a huge thing, and never told anyone; just laughed and laughed at everyone’s expense over their own naiveté.

Yes, that’s what it is. I am convinced. Pablo is laughing at all of you who think cubism is art.

Ha- freaking ha. Losers.

Tags: hate

And they felt good. All went smoothly, and I actually moved more weight than I figured I would; pretty much 100% of what I normally would do. Maybe 95%. Definitely at least 90-95%. Definitely.



Lookin’ Good, too
Not, like, compared to others or anything, but after just one workout following a near 2-week hiatus, it’s a miraculous change. I have a chest again. A small chest, but a chest nonetheless. Sweet.



Feeling good about work, too
I don’t want to jinx myself, which I’m prone to do (read here, then here, and here), but I’m feeling good about myself at work. I’m not about to rewrite the company or anything yet, but I feel like I’ve got the hang of what needs to be done and how to accomplish it. And I notice that even though I’m the newest management hire, when I am closing shop, I am tiypically 100% on, out on on time, and neater than the others (at my level, anyhow; my superior manager is still better than I by quite the margin). Not to knock the others, they excel at certain things beyond what I am currently capable of, but I’m just saying…

But yeah, uh, no jinxing hopefully. It’s just that I feel like I can work there and succeed. I just need more time to learn.



Oh. My. Goodness.
On the agenda for tonight? A day I have off? Well besides another workout (legs this time), we’re going to sit down and watch No Country for Old Men. I have no idea how this happened, mind you. I put it on our Netflix queue, but it was listed as “Long Wait.” Yet for whatever reason, it’s the next movie we got.

Which is really cool, because I wasn’t in a Rocky Balboa kind of mood. Which was the next movie that actually had an “available” status. Next week though, it's me & you Balboa.

Peace.

Tags: Entertainment, Gym

One thing that seems to stick out at me in the business world is how they are oh-so-willing to create a straw man of any sort to blame for slumping sales. Sales are slow? Must mean that we’re not building good displays! Or they attribute characteristics to people that may or may not exist, but state these as fact and look to exploit them. We need signs that show how much they’re saving off of MSRP, cuz people love to save!

Yes, people love to save, but they love to save real money, not fake money. I don’t doubt that some people are going to look at a sign saying that this bag of cookies has $5 written on it but wow, we’re saving you so much money because we’re only selling it for $3! Well yeah maybe a few poor schlocks are going to fall for that, but mostly? Well, the people with the money, the people you should be chasing for sales, are smart enough to say “yeah but those cookies are only worth $2; they’re crappy.”

The issue is that these things used to work. Advertising is fairly new, the way we do it. When these tactics first started to appear in the 50’s and 60’s, they worked well, and they worked well through the 80’s. But something happened in the 90’s that the business world is still trying to ignore; it’s the elephant in the room, and they keep falling back onto old habits instead of dealing with the reality of today:

The reality is that I am the consumer now. And I’ve seen this mess of advertising, and I don’t buy the hype. Since all I’ve ever known is to see products completely over-hyped at every turn, I’ve tuned that out. I’m oblivious to it. Not only that, but more typically, I am turned off by it. I have swam in the sea of advertising-speak since my birth. I am numb to it, and quite frankly, tired of it. I don’t want to hear marketing-talk, I want to hear about the product, honestly, and what it can do for me. When I read the box, I want to know where it came from, who built it, and what I’m paying for. Made in China? Hey that’s not an automatic disqualifier, guys. I might still buy your product. But at what cost is the question…

There’s a matter of psychology at work to know your business and your customers and be a success. But you have to learn about your customers, not make blanket statements about them. And if you want to be more than head-above-water, the best way to create success is to see not just where your customers are now, but where they’re going, and more importantly, why. It’s not the signs guys, it’s the value system behind it.



Home Late, honey? Surprise!
Aw, isn’t The Girl sweet? I had to stay late at work last night (floor guys came by to wax/polish), and when I got home, she was in bed asleep. But on the counter… was carrot cake! Hey, those of you who know me know that I’m a fool for a good carrot cake. And hers in the best, because she makes it from scratch – even the frosting! – and it’s all organic.

Strange thing is, I love carrot cake, I love the frosting, but I can’t stand cream cheese. Weird, huh?

Oh well. Cake was still excellent. But again... Don't tell her any of this. It'll just go to her head. :-)

Tags: women

Today I got called into the office by another manager from the Floor where I was doing a reset on some merchandise (moving, adding new, all-in-all “resetting” the products).

I asked the problem and was told that the reset I had started wasn’t supposed to be started until another 3 weeks out or so. I said “BS,” as the paperwork called for it to be done on 2/29, so we’re right on schedule. Well yeah, but we just got an email to wait because they’re changing the shelf units and other stuff regarding it, I was told. My response?

Oh f*cking well! What am I supposed to do? Undo all the work we’re already got going? Put it back?

Luckily for us both, it was just a joke. A bad, bad joke, but a joke nonetheless.



Sick? Get over it…!
So I finally came down with whatever The Girl had a few days ago, as you probably know. She was ill and out of it for about a week, so I wasn’t looking forward to having that bug get me, whatever it was – think it was the flu.

Well, I felt like poop the day after I knew I was sick, but after that? Well, I’m on my way to recovery already, methinks. My throat’s still a lil’ sore, but I don’t feel like my brain’s disconnected from my body anymore, which is good, and my strength’s returning, which is awesome. Still not 100%, but instead of feeling like 40%, I gauge I’m around 75-80%. Which is good.

So to what do I contribute such a fast turnaround? Working out and a nice, healthy, organic diet. Yup. I mean, what the heck else could it be? Before working out, I was sick a lot. Started working out, stopped getting sick. Started eating organic, now apparently when I do get sick, it only lasts a day or so.

So workout, take care of your body, eat healthy, and I’ll see you around or something. Cuz you won’t be in bed sick, is what I’m saying. Yeah.

Peace.

Waiting for Spring to have, uh, sprung. Fall went quick, Summer went quicker, but Winter will not go away. What the Hell.

I keep going to the beach hoping I can run around without a shirt on and get a tan. But mostly it’s just chilly. Some days I have gotten away with it, but 90% of the time I take a jacket with me and cling to it like crazy to Britney.

Then I have to remind myself that yes, indeed it’s only February. I don’t know why I’d expect to be livin’ it up in the sun in the dead of Winter.

Silly random bob! This ain’t So Cal! Remember, that’s why we’re here now!



Something I am contemplating
Notes on God. I don’t know why, but I spend a lot of time thinking about God. You may find this strange if you know me, as you know I’m agnostic, but there’s more to it than that; I believe in God, just not the book version. I don’t subscribe to religion, I tend to think it’s a pox on our people, perverted more often than not to help a few subvert a many.

But I do believe in God. And when I’m alone, doing the dishes, looking out the windows, my mind wanders, and I think of God. What do I think God is? I have lots of ideas at different times. Or rather, I have the same idea, but come up with new ways to frame it with words. And I think I should start a running log, sort of a “conversations with myself – about God” kind of journal, just tracking my ideas as they hit me. I mean, my laptop’s never far from me anyway, so it’s not like it’d be hard to do. Might have to do that. Maybe just make blog entries about it :-)



How is it you believe in god?
Well I knew it would be a strange idea for some of you to accept I do indeed believe in God. I mean, I do spend an awful lot of energy denouncing religion after all. Why do I believe in God? I believe in evolution, I don’t believe some “being” created man as he is today, I think we evolved from monkeys, who in turn evolved from amoebas.

I think that God did not create life per se, he created to drive to live. And life sprung from that. Make sense? Well maybe I can make it a little clearer:

Evolution makes complete sense, we see it day-in, day-out. But where does it start? I mean, I can grasp an amoeba eventually mutating, turning into something else, etc etc. But at the very beginning, what made a bunch of inanimate stuff decide to form an amoeba? What doesn't make sense is evolution coming into being from inanimate surroundings. Why would a grain of dirt decide that it should form DNA or something of that sort? Why subject itself to death? I mean, how does an inanimate thing ‘decide’ to live?

That’s God. To me, that’s what God is: the motivation to live. Among other things.

Stay tuned.

Tags: Technology

So I’ve been @ my new job now for just under 8 months. It was hectic and stressful when I first started, as I was trying to get the hang of what I was supposed to be doing, and I didn’t even know what that was.

Well, I knew in an overreaching sort of way what it was, but with every place there’s different methods and requirements, and the small details that add up to the big picture are quite different. Getting those details down? Not always easy.

Well recently, shortly after Christmas actually, I started to feel more confident in the whole process. I knew what was coming, I had an idea of how “they” might tackle the issue, and I felt like I could take it from there. Because, I didn’t necessarily want to handle to like they handle it, but if I know how others would do it, I have a good grasp of the process, and I love to work with processes to make them more efficient.

So work’s been going good. I recently put in for my vacation – which I don’t have yet, not until my 1 year mark – and got approved. Means nothing, right? Well, to me it means that they plan on keeping me around beyond that time, they plan on me making my one year mark, then continuing on. And that is quite a relief for me.

When I took the job here, it was only on a part-time basis, I was told she’d love to have me, but that she didn’t have room for me on the schedule in all actuality. Wanting to get the hell out of So Cal, I took the offer, figuring I could find part-time employment elsewhere as well. However, as it turned out, as soon as I started I was put to full-time, and have been ever since.

Last night as I closed shop, one girl I work with was talking to a lady in the checkout line. After she left, the lady I work with told me that the woman in line had applied for a job there before, moved on account of the job, then a few days before she got there, was told the position had been filled. Now that’s the story as I heard it of course, not necessarily the story as it was. However, it made me feel a little lucky in side, because after all, that was potentially me a year ago. But they decided to keep me.

I still don’t know why. I may be part of a bigger experiment or something. I’ll continue to look for clues.



Internet? What internet?
For about 4 hours or so this afternoon, I had no internet. It was there, I was on it, I walked away, The Girl went to use it, it was down. Maybe she scared it away or something.

No, that’s not it. I called at&t and they traced it to a server on their side they couldn’t communicate with. Said they needed to send a tech out, but that they wouldn’t be able to do so until Tuesday. No today, Tuesday. That’s like, 4 days from now. This is not acceptable, but it’s not like I can fix it myself; I can barely find free porn on the interwebs anymore, how the heck am I going to fix their server?

The lady on the phone asked me if I wanted them to schedule an appointment to take care of it. No, I like paying for service I don’t have; just leave it!. What the hell? Yes, send someone dammit! Today, preferably!

Well I got lucky, apparently someone else (or many others?) were afflicted as well. About 2 hours later I got an automated phone call saying that they had tested their lines and discovered a problem. I called in to check if it was more descriptive now than when I had called, and sure enough it was. They said a lot of my town was out, probably some businesses too (that’s my assumption).

2 hours later, I got mail. Success.

Don’t realize how central to our lives interconnectivity – and specifically the internet – have become, until you’re suddenly without it. Man, technology rocks, so long as it’s rockin’ along. Once it stops it sorta sucks.



So when does air-wide internet happen?
I mean, we all have these nifty wireless computers, when do those hard-lines become air lines? Seems we’re not that far from it to me. I’m just waiting. Free worldwide internet. And no outages, of course, unless you drop your computer.

Don’t drop your computer, folks. Bad things; bad things.



This just in: random bob sick
Man, f*ck. I thought I might actually make it through the Winter without catching something.

Guess I have to start the counter over at zero now. I was going for 3 years in a row.

It might be worse than I fear, too. I mean, I felt a dry throat sensation when I awoke from a nap around 2pm. I started feeling light-headed around 4pm. Now it’s 7pm and my throat is starting to swell and hurt.

I really like to talk. I actually talk while I type up my blogs. Just speak all the words as I’m typing them. I type slow, so the people around me when I’m in public think I’m a retard, which is sort of amusing I suppose. So this really sucks for me.

Man! I know what did it, too. I bragged about it to someone at work recently, that I hadn’t fallen ill while everyone else had. Too bad for me, I didn’t pay attention to my surroundings, and wouldn’t you know? Not one board of wood around to knock on.

Sh!t.

Tags: Technology

As featured on ABC, apparently “legginess” is a trait whose desirability cuts both ways. So women prefer men with longer legs as well as vice versa.

So that’s why I can’t keep the girls off me. Now I know!



Atkins, you’re a genius
Studies prove that protein makes you feel less hungry.

Now I’m not saying a diet high in meats only is ideal. People seem to think that since I agree with statements like this I must simply despise fruits & veggies. Nope. I believe in a balanced diet, and also I believe that vegetarians are nucking futs!. Seriously, we’re supposed to eat meat. Our digestive systems, dentation, & organs are all designed to have meat. We eat meat. Get over it, and have a cow. For breakfast, lunch or dinner.

And also I despise fruits & veggies a little. OK just kidding. I love fruit. :-)



Starting to see room for improvement
At my work, I am starting to see where they could really stand to streamline certain things, and make the whole process more efficient. This of course, is what I’m best at: finding ways to make things more efficient.

And tt should come as no surprise to any of you that most of this efficiency gain revolves around switching to Macs.

But yes it’s actually true. I watched the Store Manager show me how she reviews orders for just cigarettes, which is only 100 upc’s of the 30,000 we carry, and modifies what the system automatically orders (which is always too much). Using this antiquated DOS-based system we have, it took her 20 minutes to perform a 3-minute task. All because there was no mouse and the system/program was designed to be futuristic in the 1930’s or something.

Time to get with the program and get a Mac, eh? Methinks, methinks. Less time spent pressing an arrow key over & over and more time actually managing the store seems like a good thing. But hey, what do I know? I’m just a genius.

Hey Atkins, wanna hang out sometime? Oh right, I forgot..

Peace.

Tags: Technology

So a few days ago, at my new job, the head honcho let me know that at my year date I’d be eligible for two-week’s vacation time, as well as 4 personal days. She also informed me that I’d only have until September 30th to use them all up, as they’d expire by then, so I should probably go ahead and request the timeframe I want off so I’m more or less guaranteed to be able to use my time off for the year.

So this probably means that they expect to keep me that long, right? This is a good sign then, no? I hope so. I think so… I hope so.



Bill Clinton Stumps
This was the newspaper headline today, the day after Mr. Bill Clinton was up campaigning for his other half. I grabbed a copy during lunch, as I had listened to the speech and wasn’t stumped at all, so I was curious to read about what the hell everyone was so confused about.

Much to my surprise, “stump” is some sort of slang I guess for “campaign.” So he was here “stumping” for his wife.

What a damn boring article. So many ways that could have gone. Went the most uninteresting one.



What’s wrong with Family Guy
Now don’t get me wrong, I love the show. But since it came back, something’s been different. Different and wrong, by the way.

I am referring to Stewie Griffin. If you’re a fan of Family Guy, then you probably remember the good ol’ days. You know, the ones where Stewie was constantly trying to kill Louis and take over the world. Where before he was fun and interesting, now they’ve turned him into a little flaming wamby.

What’s a wamby? Well, it’s a little baby that goes “waaaa” all the damn time, crying constantly over spilt milk. Well yes, yes Stewie is a baby. But that’s not material here, he’s a damn cartoon, and the Stewie Griffin that I’ve come to know and love is a murder-plotting, vile-filled, megalomaniacal brain with a flare for revenge. You go Stewie, you kill your mum, you take over the world. It’s all we can expect of you.

Dammit, I don’t tune in to watch a baby do baby things. I’d have a real kid if I gave a damn about that. I want the little nerf-headed bastard to create ruckus. Now create ruckus, dammit! We, your loyal fans, are counting on it.

Peace.

Tags: Politics, Entertainment

Following a day in the life of two girl-obsessed High School dorks, Superbad delivers the laughs from the time you pop it in the DVD player. It’s on my list of movies to purchase, if that means anything to you. It should totally mean something to you, btw.

If you haven’t heard of it – which is entirely possible as it seemed to fly under the radar this summer – then I should warn you that there’s a bit of potty humor in it. Oh hell who am I kidding, it’s based entirely on potty humor, OK? But it works. This is High School, and if you went to that institution any time in the last 30 years, you’ll probably get a kick out of this movie because that’s exactly what High School is: Potty Humor.

I liked that the comedy was largely understated, in that they didn’t have stupid gags and then have to point out the punch-line to you with a horn so you’d know when to laugh. It’s not a Wayans comedy is what I’m saying, I guess, it’s genuinely funny in a smooth, seamless sort of way.

Hopefully you aren’t dick-shy, though. Or Va-jay-jay shy, either. If by chance you’re not sure what va-jay-jay may be though, perhaps this isn’t the movie for you…

So, if you went to HS in the last 30 years and know a va-jay-jay? A-. If you didn’t either go in the last 30 years, or you did but you are clueless on the va-jay-jay? D+.



Other titles considered
I was also thinking of leading with “Superbad: More fun than a barrel of monkeys with their pants down.” But then I realized that just doesn’t work, because monkeys don’t wear pants. And besides they throw their own shi!t, so it’s not like you can really verbally add anything more extreme to a monkey anyhow.

Also considered “Superbad: an autobiography,” sort of implying that they stole some pages from my manuscript. BUT, if you know This Guy, then you may have heard that in fact it sort of is an autobiography, as he and his friend wrote the story about how their High School life went down for the most part (or if you’re into potty humor, how it didn’t ‘go down,’ if you get my drift hint hint wink wink). Which sort of kills the funny of the review title.



Typed under the cover of darkness
With very little sleep, either. Monday started my work on “Open ‘til Midnight” scheduling. Which puts me out of the building at about 12:30am if everything goes right.

Everything did not go right. My dumb ass somehow came up $15 dollars short at the end of the night. I’m new. I like my job. I like my new town. I want to keep both. This is scary. It’s also not the first time. What the frig.

So I panic a little bit, and end up having to stay until closer to 1am, trying to find this damn $15. Now couple that with the fact that as I rolled my way home after eventually finding said $15, I discovered that I had a set of keys on my person that were not supposed to be on my person any longer. Makes for a mighty few sleep hours, because they'll need them things bright & early at 6:30am...

So now it’s about 6am and I’m getting ready to go back. On my day off. To drop of a set of keys and fill out some paperwork I forgot to sign off as well. This. Is. Magical.

Where’d I find the $15? Well I found $20 and lost $5. Huh? There was a $20 bundled with some $5 bills, the difference of which is $15. I may need caffeine pills that late at night.

Peace.

Tags: Entertainment

OK, so who’s itching to buy me presents? Anyone? I have a wish list over on amazon, if you’re interested.

Anyone? Hello? Somebody?



Yeah, me too
Hey I love the holidays, but the presents? Not so much. See, here’s how I figure it: If I buy you a present, and you buy me a present, then we both spent money but didn’t get what we wanted. Wow that sorta sucks, huh? I’d much rather have spent money and gotten what I wanted to get. Which is actually why I created my wish list; not for others, but for me! I keep things there as my list of things to get myself, a reminder of the particular things I want.

But hey, if you feel really inclined, go ahead and buy me things off my list until you’re just silly. Just don’t expect much in return. Bah-humbug. (btw, “bah-humbug” is perfectly acceptable according to spell-check. Who’d have thunk, huh?)

But honestly, it just seems like too much importance is put on the gifts. Look, if you're over 18, don't expect presents, that's the way it should be. If you're an adult, you can get a job and work for the things you want. If someone happens to get you a small something? Well fine, but if you are expecting things, you suck. Because you're ruining X-mas, dammit! And my bottom line!

This is why I think Thanksgiving is my favorite Holiday. No gifts, no pressure, no nothing but a moist, juicy turkey or savory, honey-baked ham. Unless you're at my mother's house. Where it's either dry turkey or undercooked ham. Love you, mom!


And the Winner is… CHILD!
So you know the answer, but you’re probably wondering the contestants, right? Well, this particular case was a race/battle between parent & child. Yesterday at work, there was this middle-aged, dim-witted woman with a child who I guess was about 4-5 years old. I found them on the toy aisle as I was heading to the back, and as I walked down the aisle towards them, I see the child make a mess all over the floor, pulling out toys off the wall.

I made sure to walk by and make my presence known, sort of a silent “Hey I saw that, uh, maybe you should police your child and pick up this mess?”

But being the Manager on Duty, I couldn’t stand and watch them as calls come frequent, and soon I was off to help in the Photo Department. I got stuck over there for longer than I had wanted to be, and after a while I hear a loud screech, followed by the pitter-patter of little feet scurrying past me at double-time, running across the front of the store, then down the back aisle towards the back of the store. This was followed in short order by the clump-clump of a dim-witted spectacle of a mom trying to catch a runaway child. Ho-Hum, I think to myself, hopefully they’re leaving after this is over.

I was right on that count, it was just a matter of it actually getting to over. Because not 40 seconds later, the same screech, the same pitter-patter, the same hellion running across the front, down the stretch, and around the back. Followed again by the clump-clump of the dim-witted. Yeah, this is getting old already as you can imagine.

I finally break away from the Photo Department to take care of a refund elsewhere. On my way across the store, I come across the dim-witted mother (I’m going to call her that every time), and she asks me if I can tell her child – who’s now laying in the middle of the candy aisle, 20 feet from her mom – that she can’t have the ball she’s clutching. Sure thing. Can I teach her some manners, too? Maybe balance your budget? Go to her next recital? WTF?! Isn’t that your job!? *sigh.* Fine.

So I get up to the child slowly – think Crocodile Hunter sneaking up on a large lizard – and explain that she can’t have the ball. She tells me it’s only a couple bucks and she wants it for her birthday. I distract her with talk and grab the ball, then her hand, then walk her to her mom while she’s concentrating on what I’m saying (“you’re a pox on humanity! Yes you are! Yes you are! Oh, you’re so cute! You little pox on humanity, you…”).

I don’t need kids, I’m raising enough of them at work.



“Insert Typical Follow-up Question Here”
That question being “Where’s the parents?” Unfortunately, mom was right there with her child. That was running laps around my store and screaming. Right. There. In. The. Store.

I told the relieving manager about the incident, to which she replied that if her granddaughter ever tried to pull something like that, she’d beat the tar out of her.

“Yeah, but your granddaughter would never do that. Because she probably knows that you’d beat the tar out of her.” Which was the problem. In the horse race above, between the 35 year-old and the 4 year-old, the 4 y/o should not have the power. But that’s how it was. She had no fear of her creator; She was the jockey in that relationship.

And just that fast, corporal punishment in schools looks very appealing. We shouldn’t let kids bring guns to school, we need to let the teachers & administrators bring them instead.

Oh and the toys all over the floor? Still there after they left. Sweet.



Patriots almost lose
Hopefully last night’s close call is as close as it gets this season. Because one loss is not history. Horseshoes & hand grenades, right?

Peace.

Tags: Entertainment

Ok, the goal was to get up at 6am every morning. And go to bed by 10pm if possible, or at the earliest time available to me. This way, every day I’d have a good amount of time to do what I want, regardless of when I’m scheduled.

This, however, is not working out. While Wally’s opens at 7am, I find that they think they’ve found their “fit” for me in the scheduling department, and I find that for the next 3 weeks to a month, I’m closing the store every day almost without exception. Oh, and my Weekends have become Monday & Tuesday, which I don’t mind a bit, just sharing.

See, my schedule shows me working until 10:30, but it’s more like 11pm. So by the time I get home, have a moment on the 'puter, get undressed, teeth brushed & alarm set, it’s 11:45-midnight when I glance at the clock. Which makes 6am sort of a hard target. Not a moving one, more like… Well, do you hunt? I don’t, but I imagine a good analogy is that 6am is that 2-point Buck in the distance that’s not worth raising the rifle for. And for those that don’t get that analogy, here’s another: it’s a bit like waking up earlier than you want. ?

Now, it’s not that with my new schedule it’d be impossible to do what I want, but I’m not making it happen. I need to be getting home, getting undressed, & getting into bed, in that order, at that speed. It’s either that, or turn into a graveyarder. Yeck.



The Barber: A Horror Story. By random bob, a.r.c.
Well, the time came earlier than expected for a haircut. It was getting a little long, but the situation was hrried along by my store manager. She thought that perhaps my hair was beginning to look cluttered. Yeah, but it was almost perfect! Well, I just got up here, they’re paying the bills, and I’d like to stay on, whether I agree with the hair policy or not. And at this point, I need them more than they need me, so arguments over whether or not it’s correct (more on that in a minute) are not in the cards for now.

So off to get my hairs cut. There’s a few salons not more than a few minutes walk away from my place, so I trek off on Saturday to see if one of them can spare some time to get it cut before I head to work for the night. The first I go to is closed, and the second one I go to is also closed, though they framed it bad. There was a lady at the counter, and I asked if they had anyone available to cut my hair. She said to go around the back door and there might be someone there to cut it. When I get around back? No one home, door’s locked. 'We don't want yer kind 'round these parts, boy.' Fine.

Well crap. It’s getting later in the ‘noon, my hair’s still longer than I’d like, and all the places I can think of in this new place are either closed or much farther away.

All except one. A last ditch chance; a Barber.

Needing my hairs cut & the job so attached to it, I asked my beating heart to hold still, while I chanced the inevitable. I walked in, and get this: asked if t